I’m not “that girl”… I’m just… Me

Recently I took a “break” from blogging then came back and deleted all of the posts that I had previously written. My excuse was that I wanted to “start fresh” and take my blog in a more purposeful direction. The truth is it was because I felt like had failed. I was hiding from being exposed and wanted a distraction from reality. When we log on to our various social networking accounts we truly can be anyone that we want to be. Brad Paisley wrote a song called “online”. The song talks about everyone being “cooler online”, in the song he expresses that when he gets home and fires up his Macbook he is taller, thinner, richer and more interesting. It is entertaining to think of the fictional lives we could lead but when we rest our heads at night we have to sleep with our organic self.

Well, it’s time to be honest with ME because I’ve been doing some pretending lately….

#1) I have not accepted my body exactly how it is. For me the term “weight” has never been numerical. When I weighed 218 pounds – I had never seen that number on a scale or in writing prior to my first Weight Watcher meeting. I knew I was “fat” and “over weight” but had no idea what my actual numerical weight was. How did I know my weight was not acceptable besides the fact that very few stores carried size 18? Well, obviously when I looked in the mirror I saw a figure that was growing in size. I slowly began not to recognize the features or the disposition of that person and worst of all she was completely empty. Then there was the fact that very rarely did anyone compliment me, touch me or even get to know me for that matter. It seemed that people were afraid of me. Or maybe it was that summer when I wanted to go down a water slide and the employee of the park questioned my ability. None of these are the reason why I joined Weight Watchers but they were my reality for many years.
In my eyes there is always room for modification and word on the street is that we are never completely satisfied with our appearance but I know that I want to lose more weight to get closer to being the best version of myself that I can be. Please do not misunderstand what I wrote. I have a high level of self wroth and I do not base it solely on my physic/appearance but I want to be more comfortable in my own skin. I try not to associate my body image with a numerical value. Instead it has always been a reflection of how I feel and how I see myself. I believe that my results from exercising and eating better have provided me with a tremendous amount of pride and I know I can take myself to a deeper gratification level once I focus.

#2) I have a very rooted desire to improve my relationship with foods. I hope to become comfortable enough to share some of the darkness that I still experience so these struggles can become more approachable. I have come a long way but the path isn’t ready to end yet.

#3) I long to become a lifetime member at Weight Watchers. (Yes, you read right – I still have not got to my goal weight at Weight Watchers. I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds for the past 6 months.) It really would mean a lot to me to accomplish this simply because when it comes to self improvement projects I tend to surrender. In no other aspect of my life do I accept anything less than complete effort, why should my identity be treated differently?

#4) I want to be more consistent with how balanced I eat. I have begun to let go of habits that enriched my day so I need to reel it back in.

#5) Ultimately, I want to give being a Weight Watchers Leader a shot and to do so I have to be confident in what believe in.

The truth is I have finally decided that I am going persevere even though I’m fatigued. I can accomplish these things if I want them badly enough. For so long I have put EVERYONE else’s needs before my own, but today I deserve to feel fulfilled and not settle for second best! I will rewrite my history….

I avoided claiming that I am going to do a list of crazy irrational things to reach these goals purposely. All I needed to solidify is that I believe I am capable. My goal is just to be better today than I was yesterday.

Each of the categories require further development, so I’m going to go be with my thoughts for a while. Be back soon!

While I’m gone why don’t you go ahead and find something about yourself that is unique?


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